Last week I read a letter my dad wrote in late 1981. I had never seen this letter before. One of his comments in the letter concerned his frustration with me and it really stung. I was mad about it for a couple of days; after further reflection, I realized that I was only one of the sources of his frustration at that time. (A little background information would be helpful at this point. My mom struggled with depression most of her adult life. Medicine, counseling, electro-shock therapy - all these things would result in temporary improvement but eventually she would relapse.) My dad took my mom to many doctors over the years but I believe by 1981 he had given up all hope of a cure for her.
I was in college from 1977 to late 1981. I rarely went home because of the situation there - my mom went through a particularly bad bout of depression in 1979 and my dad seemed to be angry all the time. My behavior didn't help the situation back home. My time at college was pretty much divided between studying & drinking beer. Not atypical for a college student at that time but I drank more than most. At the time, I thought I was just having fun but now I realize that I was trying to dull my own pain. It's not easy seeing you mom so medicated that you can't have an intelligent conversation with her. My dad saw me as one of the reasons my mom wasn't getting better, therefore I became the focal point of his anger. The unwritten rule back home at that time was this: if you have a problem with someone you don't discuss it with them, you just get mad about it and you never EVER let it go. At the time I thought my dad hated me but I realize now that he was miserable and he didn't know what to do about it or how to deal with it. I was no different in that regard.
Thirty years later, these things strike me above all else: (a) how much my dad & I needed each other back then and (b) how much time we wasted being angry at each other instead. My mom's illness affected both of us greatly - why couldn't we talk about it? Why be so angry with each other when we were struggling with the same things? Consider James 1:19-20 (ESV): "Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God." There's an incredible amount of wisdom packed into those 25 words. You could almost call it the golden rule restated. Surely these two verses are an essential part of "love your neighbor as yourself".
So don't hold grudges. Don't let anger destroy your relationships & your life. If you find yourself at odds with someone else, set your anger aside and talk to them about it. Let them speak first and consider what they have to say, remembering that the Lord died so that everyone (including them) might have an opportunity for salvation. Consider the possibility that you may be wrong - the other person may have a legitimate complaint about you. No one is perfect, certainly not me - anyone who knows me can attest to that. One thing I can say about myself: convince me that I'm wrong and I'll be the first one to apologize. A few months before he died, I told my dad I understood his frustration with me in college. He told me "it's ok; a young man has to kick up his heels a little". It's amazing how much healing power there was for both of us in that brief exchange.
